Without Me

[Spoilers E99]: I had to... With apologies to Laura Bailey *harp music*, Sam Riegel, and Eminem. 

This is also not a song Scanlan sings on Critical Role.  We'll get back to your (ir)regularly scheduled programming eventually... Maybe... Eh, who the heck knows.  The lyrics for this song can be found here.   

Without Me

Bigbys hand! Real spells, no patches

Two prankster bard gnomes go 'round the outside

'Round the outside, 'round the outside

Two prankster bard gnomes go 'round the outside

'Round the outside, 'round the outside

Guess who's back, back again
Scanlan's back, tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back
Guess who's back, guess who's back

I've created a monster, ‘cause nobody wants ta
See Scanlan no more, they want Taryon, I'm chopped liver
Well, if you want Tary, this is what I'll give ya

A brand new Doty mixed with some gunslinger

Guess he's more inventive than what Scanlan brings ya

Than a song when I singalong to calm battles

By the bard to go along with Grogs raging

While I'm rocking the Shawm while Grogs operating (heyyy!)

You waited this long, now stop debating

‘Cause I'm back, like I'm in black but it's not the 80s

I know that you want a father, Kaylie

But my old Vox Machina needs some saving

So Legendary won't let me be

Or let me be me, so let me see

Can't even take a shit on Talks Machine

I'll have to moon y'all on the after dark stream

I'll get in your head, you feelin' it yet

Fuck that, listen instead, and shit on the bed

And get ready, ‘cause this shit's about to get heavy

I just pulled out my other mug, fuck you, Tary!

Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow me!
‘Cause we need a little controversy
‘Cause it feels so empty without me
I said this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow me!
‘Cause we need a little controversy
‘Cause it feels so empty without me

Little elf girl, just wants to be helpful

Ya'll pissed I dipped last we were assembled

Yeah, I may have been too resentful

But you never shoulda called up Kaylie when I was cold, bitch!

A missionary, missions are scary

We led a revolution, could you do that, Tary

A rebel, so just let me revel and bask
In the fact that I got everyone kissing my ass

And it's a disaster, such a catastrophe
For you to see so damn much of my ass; you asked for me?

Well, I'm back, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

Fix your earrings, and attune em, cuz I'm gonna wanna

Enter in, and up under your skin, what a bummer

The center of attention, back for the summer

I'm fuckin handsome the best thing since Blanston

Cracking jokes even when I'm a phantom

Stand up, attention please

Feel the tension soon as someone mentions me

Use your headsets, my music is free

A nuisance, who sent? You sent for me?

A tisket a tasket, I'll go tit for tat with

Anybody who's talking "this shit, that shit"

You wished it, smash it, in Allura's bag hid-den

Perception lower than Trinket's tactics

And Doty? You big heap of trash with a goatee

You can get yourself scrapped for spare parts and blow me

You don't know me, mechanical, no soul
It's over, your role's not that Critical
So let's go, just give me the signal
I'll be there with a whole list full of new insults
I been dope, suspenseful with a pencil

Ever since I was picked up by Doctor Dranzel
But sometimes the shit just seems
Everybody only wants to discuss me
So this must mean I'm disgusting
But it's just me, I'm just obscene

No, I'm not the first king of controversy

I am the worst thing since White and Nerdy

To do parody so selfishly

And use it to make Grog's Spaghetti

(Heyyy!) There's a concept that works

Twenty million other characters emerge

But no matter how many Ps to the C

It'll be so empty without me